maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
