I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
