It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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