how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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