did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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