Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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