Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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