yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
