He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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