My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
