Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
