there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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