My first STD was from a foam party
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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