I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
