I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
