can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
