they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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