I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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