I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
