Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Houston, we have a blender
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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