she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
