Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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