Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
