The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
