I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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