When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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