I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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