I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
