Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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