checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
