upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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