Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
