her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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