you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
