Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?