Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight