Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
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You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
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I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.