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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.

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• (718): View more from New York

  I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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• (807): View more from Ontario

  he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

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  23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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• (253): View more from Washington

  We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls

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  The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral

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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  what type of emt are you

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...

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• (914): View more from New York

  Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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• (940): View more from Texas

  I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?

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