When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
