I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
