So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
