I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
pop tarts are not kleenex
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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