my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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