I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
