Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize