Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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