the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
my poor anus
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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