made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
