Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
