I just threw up on my dentist
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
