Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
His hands were made for my vagina.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
