I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
