he puts the penis in happiness.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
