i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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