Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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