Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
