They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
