I'm so fucking centered right now
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
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just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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