we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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