I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
