you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
