Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
