i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
