Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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